I'm assuming these sentences don't exist in a vacuum. So it's kinda hard to advise. You may clarify later in text that could be merged down.

However, with that said:

The First sentence could be rewritten to be:

A scene is a distinct section of the story with a location, participants and events in motion.

Depending on what came next.

The second sentence reads weakly because you use should a lot. State things more definitely. People also often use should in this context to cover for lack of a concrete method they can explain to somebody else. Sure I should, so how do I do this?

However, given that Solipsist already provides fairly strong goals for characters, maybe you should focus in on how to frame around those.

The Opening scene sets the story in motion. Give the characters meaningful choices about their goals. For example...

-Matt

Realms Publishing

Thanks Matt!

I posted them in isolation because they are both the opening sentences of paragraphs at the opening paragraphs of sections, so they sort of have to stand alone :)

I like the first one a lot, nice and simple, thanks!

The more I edit the less clear my writing becomes, I'm sure.

http://www.solipsist-rpg.com/

Just to clarify, you mean the more you revise the text, right? Is Gregor going to be the one actually editing it?

Actually, maybe this would be better spun off into a couple of topics on how to clean up text and editing processes.

-Matt

Realms Publishing

Yes the more I revise. It's inevitable, you write something for the first time and it flows, even though it has errors. You go back and fix the errors and sometimes it doesn't flow as well. Worse I gradually lose confidence in bits of text the more I revise them, because they start out as a coherent entity in my head and get less and less so the more small changes get made.

I've written all the text, someone else has proofread (and Joe Murphy kindly sent me some proofreading comments too). When it goes into layout I think Gregor will edit and proofread again, and of course we'll proofread one final time from the actual proofs.

A thread about the proofreading and editing process would be fine indeed.

http://www.solipsist-rpg.com/

"(and Joe Murphy kindly sent me some proofreading comments too)"

300 is 'some'. 3,500 is 'too much'. ;)

As Matt suggests, the paragraphs don't exist in a vaccuum. I don't think you have enough of a sense of what a scene in Solpsist is, and what it isn't.

Eg, in Shock, scenes have conflict (and mechanics). How about Solpsist?

So, I'm a little confused by this.

A scene is a slice of action from the game, a distinct part of the story with a setting and something happening.

Does that mean a single setting? Once we leave the setting, have we ended the scene? In my experience, scenes can move from place to place.

If you can use more than one setting in a scene, I think you should probably remove the bit about settings.

I actually agree with Joe: I'm not sure you're sure what a scene is.

Also (since I'm being Mr Negative), usually, I tend to skip paragraphs that define what a scene is, unless they're actually describing something mechanical ("the scene ends when you roll the dice"). I've got an intuitive idea of what a scene is anyway.

Graham

Removed ... because my next post was more to the point

In practice, and in the examples they definitely do not move about. Not in the sense that they can't move spatially, but that they are all in one place conceptually. You can fly around the world in a single scene, but the scene is the unit concerned with the flying around the world. (This is important in game terms because Shadow Infestations take place in conceptual locations, rather than physical ones). When you are in a different bit of the story conceptually, you are in a different scene.

That's why I used the word 'action' before, to mean things concerned with one slice of the story.

Anyone have any more comments on the second sentence? I think I know where to go with the first one.

http://www.solipsist-rpg.com/

Rather than describing the opening scene as a thing, you could try giving instructions.

Is the sentence directed at a GM or at all the players? If it's the GM, you could try:

In the opening scene, set the story in motion. Give the characters meaningful choices and goals to pursue.

If players:

In the opening scene, set the story in motion. Give each other meaningful choices and goals to pursue.

Oh thanks Graham, I like that. I tend to avoid the imperative style, but I realise it can be a lot nicer to read in game instructions as it is more direct.

http://www.solipsist-rpg.com/